My oldest is going away to college and I’m not ready

So many experiences in life are things you can never prepare for adequately, no matter how many books you read or classes you attend or people you talk to. One of those experiences is watching your first child graduate high school, choose her college and eventually leave home. 

This is what has caused me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart that is somehow so full of joy but also in shards at my feet because how do you possibly prepare for such a moment?

When I had my first child, Grace, I caught my breath the first time I saw her. Like many moms, that first time I saw my baby was overwhelming and the love I felt became an all-consuming fire. How could she be so perfect and so tiny? My heart felt like it was literally outside of my body. 

And then I blinked. 

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We visited a few colleges and universities over the past several months, and she eventually narrowed the options to two – both of which I loved, but one was clearly my favorite. I wasn’t sure if it was hers.

Just a few weeks ago, after we got back from my frontrunner university pick, I was driving by her school when I saw a bunch of kids outside with signs and graduation caps. Because curiosity usually wins over most temptations, I stopped to see what was going on. 

It was a photo shoot and the photographer was telling the kids to hold a sign of the college they would be attending in the fall. I told my daughter that she had to hold two signs because she had not made her decision yet. She looked me in the eye and said, “No, I’ve made my decision,” and held up the sign of the school that I was praying she would choose. 

We started jumping up and down, and I was thrilled. It takes awhile for big decisions to set in sometimes. 

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This school is several states away from where we live. My daughter would be leaving home to go here. She would not be home for dinner every night. I wouldn’t catch her eye as she played with her younger siblings and smile at her generosity and kindness. My baby would be leaving. 

I posted the good news to my Facebook page and that’s when reality started to sink in. My husband came home to find me crying and in a forced snuggle with my oldest son.

I’ve always said Grace was our practice child. My husband and I knew nothing. We were so young. We were growing up as she was growing up and made so many mistakes. But her name holds true: Grace is what she always gives to others. 

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And thankfully, she gave it to my husband and I because we had no idea what we were doing. And just when we thought we had this parenting thing down after eight kids, a whole new world of unknowns opens up as our oldest heads off to college. 

It’s a weird place to be in as a mother. I’m thrilled for her and incredibly proud of the young woman she has become. She is the complete opposite of the person I was at her age, which is an immense blessing. 

She is everything I was not: she loves well, she is vulnerable, she forgives easily, she is virtuous, she takes chances on people, she has integrity. I did nothing to deserve her, yet God gave her to me. And now she is leaving. 

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For us parents who are navigating these waters for the first time, we have to allow ourselves to feel these feelings and emotions and not hide from them. They are all part of the human experience and it’s good for our other children to see how much they mean to us. 

In a world that sometimes exploits vulnerability, to show it can be empowering to others who may need to see that they aren’t alone and that others feel the same way. 

To parents whose children have not left home yet, don’t waste a moment with them. My husband and I have always prioritized time with our kids, took vacations when we were able to with them, revised our schedules so one of us could always be with them, and made family time important. 

You only get so many years with them before they fly off on their own. Don’t waste that time. 

And when fall comes and I hug my oldest goodbye as she walks into this big, new chapter of her life, I’ll probably be a mess. Many of us parents will be juggling both happy and sad feelings, but I hope all of us will be thanking God for our children and praying for them as they leap into the future.

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